Well it happened and sooner than I expected. This Monday after months of bitching about the cold, the late spring and on and on, the complainers switched to the “heat” on our very first beautiful 70+ day. Today was 80 and I hate to think how miserable that person was today. I work with the public which means constant micro-interractions about the weather which really means encountering the brain worms that feed on complaining on a minute by minute basis. Now its my turn. I understand it was a hard winter. It was. It really really was. It was a winter’s kind of winter. We got more than a Zdeno Chara worth of snow in a short span. Their were exactly four days in February where it didn’t snow and those days were not consecutive. February also set records for extended cold periods. But, and this is the key here, we live in Maine. We have winter here. Let’s not expect Florida’s freaking weather. We are in the temperate zone. That means we have four seasons. Count them! 1 season, 2 seasons, 3, 4 seasons ah ah ah.
Complaining about the season you are in or that the next season isn’t here yet or has just gone is absolutely ridiculous. People need to check themselves and check their latitude before opening their mouth. Complaining about heat in the summer just makes you an asshole and the same with cold in the winter. Its fucking winter. What were you expecting when you opened your door this morning? Palm trees? If it was a hundred degrees in January then maybe that would be a conversation worth having but if its raining in April that is to be expected and I’m sorry but you need to shut your mouth. (I’m not actually sorry at all.)
We are actually really lucky in this state when it comes to extreme weather. We have blizzards in Maine, well sort of. OK we have Nor’easters but they aren’t the worst blizzards on this continent. We have ice storms but do you know what we don’t have in Maine? Let’s see. We don’t have; hurricanes, tornadoes, flash flooding, drought, severe thunderstorms, or heat that kills people. We don’t even have severe humidity. Have you been to DC in June? I’m just comparing Maine to other states in the union, cause Canada and Mexico and just too hardcore to even contemplate! Mmkay.
So I have come up with a handy guide to shutting down weather complainers. Caution this is not safe for work or strangers or speaking at all.
Let’s start with Summer shall we?
Complainer: “It’s raining. I thought it was supposed to be summer.”
Me: “Thank the Gods we’re not in a drought! Shut your hole!”
Complainer: “It’s just too hot. I mean I like the heat but this is too much.”
Me: “Slip on a shirt. Slap on a hat. Slop on some sunscreen! And shut your hole!”
Or: “weren’t you just complaining about the cold yesterday? Shut your hole!”
Complainer: “Man, its rainy and cold. What happened to Summer?”
Me: “The passage of time you fucking idiot. Now shut your hole!”
Complainer: “Is it ever going to stop snowing?”
Me: “Yes! Have you ever experienced a year when Spring didn’t show up no matter how late? Now. Shut. Your. Hole!”
Complainer: “Wow its so cold. I am just freezing.”
Me: “Build yourself a sauna and shut the fuck up!”
Complainer: “Ugh. Its raining.”
Me. “Yep. Grab an umbrella and shut your hole!”
It strikes me that if we were prepared for the season at hand we would have no need to bitch. For instance, during the fall I spent on the west coast of Ireland, people carried umbrellas every damn day. They opened them when they needed them, which was at least once a day for at least an hour, and then they shut them. I did not. I got wet and loved it because I am one of those freaks who likes the rain, particularly windy cold rain. This is why I went somewhere foggy and boggy for my semester abroad and not Turkey. Personally I have trouble with the heat and even Maine’s mild humidity but I try not to bitch because there is a trade off, just like there is with everything. Having grown up within spitting distance of Alaska and therefore, Russia, lets not forget, I am nigh on impervious to the cold. I know that I am smug, smug, smug all winter while everyone around me shivers and so I hope that for most of the summer I will open my parasol and shut my goddamn mouth!
Thank you for reading 🙂