so I gotta root for someone.
Note: this has been edited, rather sloppily to reflect series that have wrapped up since I started writing this.
This is the time of year when the hockey allegiance flow chart comes out. My team, the Colorado Avalanche did not make the playoffs this year, again, oh well. In case of such an emergency I turn to my local team, the Boston Bruins. Whoops. That’s a no go this year too. No worries there’s always the Jagr factor as long as he keeps coming back for more. The Panthers are playing great hockey and are very fun to watch but that’s only one series. There’s a lot more hockey and I need to find a way to care about it before it’s all over for the very brief off season.
Who else really needs a cup? Ovi of course! The Capitals have a lot of talent or rather a lot of unsung heros. Backstrom is a bang up play maker and Braden Holtby is a beast between the posts, so I’ll gladly throw some love Washington’s way.
Look’s like Ben Bishop and the Lightning have already wrapped up those pesky octopus throwing Detroit Red Wings. Well done there. It’s always fun to watch an old rival go down in flames so thank you very much, Tampa Bay. Any team with fans disgusting enough to sneak decaying sea creatures into a public event needs to clean up their “brand”. Happy 25 consecutive years of making the play offs, Detroit. You’re outta here! No. Do not feel sorry for them. They have a lot of talent and I’m sure they’ll be back for the first round next year and every year until the sun burns out. Ooh and she get’s him with the back hand.
I cannot force myself to choose who I like less the Rangers or the Penguins. Crosby is the golden child that I am sick of hearing about. He’s like the Tom Brady of the NHL and I’m so over all the conversation of what his place is in history and general felating of his ego. He already has a couple rings so whatever. On the flip side Lundgvist is the new Mike Richter and I loathe his smarmy neatly trimmed bearded face. He’s so fast he snatches particles of light out of the air. He’s got the longevity of Broduer, blah blah.So I’m just waiting to see who get’s wrecked in the next round. Well looks like it’s going to be the Penguins.
Now moving to the Western Conference all my picks are based on hatred because they’re all rivals. Let’s start at the bottom of the hate chart and move up. The Ducks don’t have Selanne anymore so fuck em. Go Nashville, you bucktoothed horribly named mother fuckers. Seriously were all the good cat names taken? You might as well have called yourselves the Pedos. But despite all that they have some really talented young guys who’ve performed well on my fantasy team, Roman Josi, Filip Forsberg etc and I’m sick to death of Bruce Boudrea’s gloating about the Ducks always winning their division. They haven’t made it past the second round in all those years of of taking down the division so I guess their elimination will just be “business as usual” eh Bruce?
LA and San Jose can beat up on each other as much as they want as far as I’m concerned. Half of San Jose has been rocking play off beards since last year and they look like crazed mountain men on ice but LA wins too much so whatever. Whoever comes out alive will just get plowed over in the next round anyway. May the least boring team win. Well damn San Jose. I guess you’re it.
Dallas is on the brink of eliminating the Minnesota Wild and I am stoked as hell. The Wild are the Av’s biggest rival now that the conferences have been redrawn to leave Detroit in the east and the hostility between the two fan bases is as bitter as that of Montreal and Boston. Minnesota nice, my ass! Some particularly unprincipaled of their lot proved last spring that they didn’t have limits to their scumbaggery by dragging children from an Av’s charity event into the bickering. Twitter can be an ugly place my friends. Elimination at the hands of the Dallas Stars who used to be the Minesota North Stars would be especially sweet, for me and not really anyone else. Suck it Minnie!
Now here is the biggest kicker of them all. Chicago versus St. Louis. Talk about the enemy of my enemy. I’ve hated the Blues since the 90’s for some dumb reason. I think it has something to do with them kicking Toronto’s ass once and most certainly my irrational dislike for Brett Hull. I was more happy about Jagr bumping him down the all time goals list than anything else that happened this season. I’ll always remember where I was the night that all important goal was scored, at a metal show checking my phone like an asshole! Now as much as I hate the Blues, for serious reals. I mean I would actively root for Montreal against them, I hate rapists more. No don’t talk deneyers. Just shut yo’ mouth. This is my platform. Needless to say I’m pulling for St. Louis all the way. Also Chicago wins too much if you need a less personal reason and dynasties are boring so fuck em.
All the while I’m watching the teams shape up for the World Championships in Moscow and St. Petersburg. Avalanche boys Mat DUUUUchene and Calvin ‘Picks!’ Pickard have been named to team Canada but honestly I got bored with our domination internationally so I defected a long time ago. I’m not being bitchy. I spreading the looove. This year I’d like to see Slovakia win because fuck Yeah Chara. Need I say more? Granted I’m not 100% sure he’s playing but it’s likely. Then running down from there my perrenial pick, Czech Republic, then Finland. Rinne is busy in the playoffs so it would be nice if Tuukka Tuuka would come out and play although Finland does have a nice amount of depth in goal. Then I guess I pick Canada and finally ANY team that can beat the US. Yes that includes Russia cause, come on, they missed the podium at their own olympics and it would suck to do the same at Worlds. Although a total upset from Latvia or Belarus would be amazing. Internationally I can find a way to be happy for pretty much anyone, except the US. Seriously you can’t sit with us.
PS Pickard’s nickname must be squealed with both fists raised. “PICKS!”